Annals of Japery Archives - The Millions

July 25, 2016

The Emails of Natalie Portman and Cormac McCarthy 1

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As it turns out, Jonathan Safran Foer isn’t the only novelist with whom Portman pen-pals.

June 21, 2016

Make the Western Canon Great Again! 11

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I’ll ban all books by immigrant writers until we can figure out what the hell is going on with the Western Canon.

June 14, 2016

Help Me Choose My Next Beach Read 6

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My beach read should help me forget the roaming packs of half-feral children who will no doubt be kicking sand in my eyes and screeching like wounded monkeys. So I don’t want to read Lord of the Flies or Blood Meridian.

May 27, 2016

A Fictional Oral History of the Photograph I Found in an Old Carl Hiaasen Paperback 2

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The second song was “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart. And I remember the dad just got this look in his eye and started jerking around. For a second, I thought he was having a stroke.

May 20, 2016

Dear Novel: On Breaking Up with Your Manuscript 5

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You said that I was trying to turn you into a thriller when you were really a literary novel. You wanted character; I knew agents wanted plot. We fought.

May 13, 2016

Confessions of a Reluctant Startalian 12

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You may have just pulled a long-haul all-nighter from Sheboygan, but here you are, speaking Startalian and, through your casual mastery of the lingo, acquiring a fine-tasting drug, in a vaguely opium-den setting, that’s also perfectly legal.

May 13, 2016

My Sophomore Years 0

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These books helped usher me from my teens into adulthood — and opened my eyes to the breadth, and often the harshness, of the surrounding world. I’d adored these books. So why had I left them in this box, like discarded memories? Looking through them again, I may have found the answer.

April 26, 2016

The Ultimate Literary Cage Match: Hemingway vs. Faulkner vs. Trump 3

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Trump on Love: “There’s nothing more terrible than an ex-spouse with a ten-ton axe to grind, and no agreement on how your common property is to be divided.”

April 21, 2016

I Hope That I’m All Right 1

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The riding instructor spent most of my bagel birthday party looking forlornly at the walnut cream cheese spread, mourning her dead horse. It was so uncomfortable

April 13, 2016

An Open Letter to the Person Who Wiped Boogers on My Library Book 11

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How do you live your life, Booger-Wiper?