Annals of Japery Archives - The Millions

September 28, 2016

A Fourth Time, I Ask: Are Picture Books Leading Our Children Astray? 4

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There are simply too many books on our children’s shelves that, through deceptively cheery artwork and sly subversion, are destroying our tots from within.

September 23, 2016

The Art of Compassion: On Donald Trump’s Hats 3

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The man’s daughter believes the hat could sink the campaign. She does not understand irony. And so she is shocked when hip kids one borough over begin requesting the hat.

August 22, 2016

An Open Letter to the Teenager Who Ruined My Copy of ‘Ragtime’ 8

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You destroyed Doctorow’s masterpiece; the least you can do is understand my frustration.

August 8, 2016

Critical Reappraisal: ‘Knight Rider: Trust Doesn’t Rust’ 1

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Ignored in its day as a piece of spinner-rack schlock, ‘Trust Doesn’t Rust’ has aged magnificently.

July 25, 2016

The Emails of Natalie Portman and Cormac McCarthy 1

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As it turns out, Jonathan Safran Foer isn’t the only novelist with whom Portman pen-pals.

June 21, 2016

Make the Western Canon Great Again! 11

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I’ll ban all books by immigrant writers until we can figure out what the hell is going on with the Western Canon.

June 14, 2016

Help Me Choose My Next Beach Read 6

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My beach read should help me forget the roaming packs of half-feral children who will no doubt be kicking sand in my eyes and screeching like wounded monkeys. So I don’t want to read Lord of the Flies or Blood Meridian.

May 27, 2016

A Fictional Oral History of the Photograph I Found in an Old Carl Hiaasen Paperback 2

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The second song was “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart. And I remember the dad just got this look in his eye and started jerking around. For a second, I thought he was having a stroke.

May 20, 2016

Dear Novel: On Breaking Up with Your Manuscript 5

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You said that I was trying to turn you into a thriller when you were really a literary novel. You wanted character; I knew agents wanted plot. We fought.

May 13, 2016

Confessions of a Reluctant Startalian 12

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You may have just pulled a long-haul all-nighter from Sheboygan, but here you are, speaking Startalian and, through your casual mastery of the lingo, acquiring a fine-tasting drug, in a vaguely opium-den setting, that’s also perfectly legal.