Five Novels I Won’t Write

By posted at 6:00 am on October 18, 2016 12


coverIn her essay “The Getaway Car,” now included in her nonfiction collection This is a Story of a Happy Marriage, Ann Patchett describes well-meaning readers who approach her at events with ideas for books. To them, it’s a simple equation: their premise plus Patchett’s prose equals literary gold. Patchett deftly points out that ideas for stories are everywhere and easy to find; it’s the sitting down and writing them that takes hard work.

Now that I’m finished with my forthcoming novel, I see what she means. Without a long-term project to obsess over, I find myself channeling ideas all the time. A new premise will possess me for a few minutes or hours, my brain asking What if? or Why would that happen?, until, like a fly at a picnic, I alight on another, juicier narrative. Patchett is right: there are so many stories! Alas, I have only one life, and one voice, and only three days of childcare a week to write.

But maybe the ideas that don’t snag my prolonged attention would occupy another, different writer. Let’s try it: Here are a few novels I won’t write. Maybe you will.

The Doctor Is In

covercovercoverWhen I was pregnant with my daughter I read Birth Day: A Pediatrician Explores the Science, the History and the Wonder of Childbirth by Mark Sloan. There are so many remarkable details in this book, from the cool, weird things a fetus does in the womb, to theories about why labor is so easy for gorillas and so difficult for human beings. I was especially compelled by the story of James Barry, the first surgeon to perform a successful cesarean (meaning that both mother and child survived). Barry, born in the late 1700s, was an Irish military surgeon in the British Army, and Sloan describes him as not being particularly likeable: pushy, without tact. After his death, it was revealed that Barry was born a woman but passed as a man for decades. When I read that I couldn’t believe his story hadn’t yet been told (or not adequately; whoever does this book right will have a bestseller followed by an HBO adaptation). Because I am not up for the task of writing historical fiction, I nominate my friend Anna Solomon for the job. She would be perfect: her two novels, The Little Bride and Leaving Lucy Pear, explore gender, sexuality, and motherhood in bygone eras; plus, she’s the co-editor of an anthology of birth stories called Labor Day (one of mine is in there).


Trouble in Oakland

This summer, the East Bay was rocked by a police scandal that included officers in Oakland and Richmond, as well as deputies in the Alameda county sheriff’s department. As of mid-September, criminal charges have been made against seven officers and Oakland has witnessed one Police Chief after another step down, with Mayor Libby Schaaf struggling to explain the multiple resignations. In June, a sex worker going by the name of Celeste Guap revealed in an on-air television interview that she’d had sex with a handful of police officers, some of them when she was a minor. As the East Bay Express reported:

According to text messages between police officers and the victim, at least three OPD officers leaked her confidential information about undercover prostitution stings. One Oakland cop obtained police reports and criminal histories and shared them with the victim, which is against department policy. Guap also said she slept with cops as a form of protection.

In a quote from Guap that I keep coming back to, she said that she and one of the officers would hook up “like every Saturday night for three months straight…He had a mattress in his back seat and slept in his car in the OPD parking lot, so we would hook up after work.”

This scandal exists against a much larger backdrop; it coincided with the release of Stanford University’s 2013-2014 research study of the Oakland police department, which found “a significant pattern of racial disparities” regarding who is stopped, handcuffed, and arrested; according to the report, police officers showed implicit bias against the African-American community. For many in the city, this came as no surprise. Mayor Schaaf  made relations with the community even more tense when she identified the race of officers involved in a totally different department scandal; according to the Oakland Black Officers Association, Schaaf had never before identified the race of officers involved in an investigation.

Fiction has always helped us understand and grapple with the complexities of the real world, and a book like this, in an era of highly visible police violence, feels necessary.

coverWho is this young woman? Who is this young cop? This would be a big, multi-voiced novel, with community members, law enforcement, and savvy political players. I nominate Attica Locke, author of three crime novels that deal with race in American life, including The Cutting Season, about the discovery of a dead body on a plantation-turned-tourist attraction-and-event space. (Though Ms. Locke might be a little busy right now — she’s currently writing for, and producing, the TV show Empire…)



coverIn early September, Rachel Cusk published an essay called “Making House: Notes on Domesticity” in the New York Times Magazine that so closely aligned with my interests I was practically levitating with excitement as I read it. First, I love Cusk’s writing, in particular her essays about mothering in A Life’s Work. Second, I read design blogs daily and enjoy browsing furniture catalogues and real estate websites; if I’m anxious, nothing calms me more than thinking about sectionals in imaginary living rooms. Third, I am interested in the ways women’s identities are shaped and influenced, and this line from Cusk felt truer than anything I’d read in a long time:

Yet there are other imperatives that bedevil the contemporary heirs of traditional female identity, for whom insouciance in the face of the domestic can seem a sort of political requirement, as though by ceasing to care about our homes we could prove our lack of triviality, our busyness, our equality.

covercoverWell, that explains my shame at admitting my couch-fantasies here — shouldn’t I be above all that? Cusk’s essay led me to think about depictions of household maintenance and design in fiction. I’m usually a plot-lusty reader, but one of my favorite sections in The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. by Adelle Waldman was when its hero…cleaned his apartment. I still remember how gracefully it transported me to the more mundane aspects of life. I recently loved The Stager by Susan Coll, which is in part about a woman who prepares properties for the housing market by changing their furniture, painting a few walls, and so on. I could’ve read about her work for hundreds of pages!  I wonder, could someone write a domestic drama which contained no drama, only its domestic details? Can a novel exist on descriptions of laundry alone, on musings about where to best mount a living room television? I’m thinking the main character wants a “clean” house, like so many of the women on House Hunters. This would be a short and intensely claustrophobic book — but also, somehow, sexy. I nominate Rachel Cusk to write this book. If she’s unavailable perhaps Nicholson Baker wants to take on the challenge.


Ice Age Coming

coverA few days before my senior year of college, I did mushrooms with my best friend. Aside from walking into a field of corn shrieking, we also sat in his car and listened to Kid A by Radiohead. When the song “Idioteque” came on, and Thom Yorke began to sing, “Ice Age coming, Ice Age coming…” I had an entire vision about a novel set during a new ice age, with people grappling with the elements, wearing furs, re-purposing ceiling fans as weapons, and turning bathing suits into flags. I thought this idea was so brilliant that I refused to tell my friend about it for fear that he’d steal it. (I hadn’t yet gotten the memo from Ann Patchett about ideas v. work.) Sometimes I think about this unwritten ice age novel, and how fun it would be to read. I was going to nominate a Jean M. Auel type to pen such a saga when I read about The Sunlight Pilgrims by the Scottish author Jenni Fagan. Set in 2020, it shows us a world much like our own, but cold, and getting colder. In her review of the novel, Marisa Silver highlights Fagan’s poetic prose: “Early on, we are told that in this worst of winters “icicles will grow to the size of narwhal tusks or the long bony finger of winter herself.”” I’m putting on mittens and reading this!  Thank you, Ms. Fagan.


Crystal Geyser by CG Roxane

Have you ever read the label on a plastic bottle of Crystal Geyser water? (Why would you? The graphic design is horrendous.) Well, I did recently, and was struck by the words I found there:

Crystal Geyser


Alpine Spring Water

by CG Roxane

coverNow, I realize I could turn on the magical Google Machine and find out that CG Roxane is a corporation or whatever. But what’s the fun in that? Instead I imagined this CG Roxane as a person. He’s got on a Stetson cowboy hat and a large-collared Oxford shirt. He’s obsessed with water. His mother calls him Charles Gomez, which is what the “CG” stands for. In my mind, this book would be a little like the movie There Will be Blood, or a fictional version of the Robert Caro biographies of LBJ. A story about power, politics, insanity. It could also be a satire — an absurdist, playful romp. If that’s the case, I nominate Mark Leyner to write it. In 2012 the New York Times Magazine described Leyner’s Et Tu, Babe as “an adrenalized, needle-to-the-red satire of (among many other things) the derangements of celebrity mass worship in a disjunctive culture-gone-wild.” That’s pretty much what I had in mind with this story. Imagine Charles Gomez Roxane. He wants to own all the water. All of it!

What novels won’t you write?

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12 Responses to “Five Novels I Won’t Write”

  1. Heather Curran
    at 9:28 am on October 18, 2016

    Speaking of Marisa Silver…was Little Nothing not fantastic? Talk about busting genres, and the cruelty of humanity during war made me think of Agota Kristoff (spelling?).

  2. Glen Cadigan
    at 12:10 pm on October 18, 2016

    Winterworld by Chuck Dixon is another “new Ice Age” book that is worth checking out. And it’s ongoing! And it’s illustrated!

  3. Ellen
    at 4:48 pm on October 18, 2016

    Re “Housework”: A brilliant idea–has it been done?–a story whose shape emerges purely through domestic details, something somewhere between Hemingway’s “For sale: baby shoes, never worn” and Robbe-Grillet’s “Jealousy” in which what’s happened has to be inferred. Someone should do it (not me, thank god). The “staging” would be a perfect vehicle–a transformation that slowly reveals a drama being effaced or distanced.

  4. Ellen
    at 4:53 pm on October 18, 2016

    Or should I say, Hemingway’s purported . . .

  5. priskill
    at 7:39 pm on October 18, 2016

    Ooo I was thinking Nicholson Baker for the novel about domestic futzing and was gratified to see him named! That man could rewrite the phone book thrillingly or at least wittily.

    Enjoyed this! However, It is you who must write that mushroom-induced Ice-age novel, yes? California was great — would love to read your take on the world ending in ice. Or any of these, actually. All the Water, indeed . . .

  6. Heather Curran
    at 7:48 pm on October 18, 2016

    Ohh priskill love your post! Moemurph come back! It ain’t all bad over here..

  7. priskill
    at 10:52 pm on October 18, 2016

    Aw Heather, thanks – exactly what I think about you, Moe, Il’ja, the inimitable Toad, Steve Augustine — not to mention all the great writers publishing here. The Millions sometimes seems like the last bit of literate civility in an uncivilized era. While I may not always agree (Bob Dylan? Really??) I never want to punch anyone. My highest praise this cold, presidential year.

  8. EA Mann
    at 1:33 pm on October 19, 2016

    “re-purposing ceiling fans as weapons”

    I just wanted to chime in to say that I would read ANY book that had this element , no matter how bad the plot or overall prose quality.

    Drop me a line when you add ceiling-fan-fights into your next book and I’ll be the first to buy it.

  9. Edan Lepucki
    at 2:53 pm on October 19, 2016

    Thank you all for your friendly comments!

    @Heather Curran I haven’t read LITTLE NOTHING…yet! I want to–I love Marisa Silver’s work.

    @Glen Cadigan Thanks for the book recommendation–sounds amazing!

    @priskill and @EA Mann Ha, I think I need at least another decade before I wade into the speculative fiction waters again. Especially icy waters. But, EA Mann, I like that your bar is low–bad plot? bad prose? No problem!

  10. steven augustine
    at 4:22 pm on October 19, 2016

    ( @Priskill I propose a toast…!)

  11. EA Mann
    at 8:08 am on October 20, 2016

    @Edan, if I’m promised spinning ceiling fan melees, things like plot and sentence quality really seem to lose importance…

  12. Moe Murphy
    at 2:56 pm on October 20, 2016

    HI GUYS! It’s Moe Murph! What a nice thing to say.

    (I think I was suffering some sort of Trump-induced overload) Glad to be back. was just opinion-ing on Bob Dylan.)

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